Post by Croc on Apr 20, 2007 12:20:40 GMT
Another tranche of information the ECB have tried to supress:
Modes of Dismissal
There are thirteen ways, exactly, to get out in the game of Cricket.
Batman
Even though it is your turn to bat you may not wear a Batman costume, especially the one from Episode III because it was totally crap.
Run out
A batsman may be in for such an abominably tedious length of time that he runs out of breath and therefore collapses. He is then required to walk after being resusitated.
Bowled
This occurs when a sadistic delivery from an ultra-fast bowler takes the hair off the batsman. Batsmen need to duck in this situation to avoid being out!!
All cricket umpires are required to be morbidly obese.
LBW
Although no cricket analyst has ever worked out what this stands for, the most frequent guess was that it "sounds like a band of some sort." Consequently LBW is the official term given for dismissing a batsman who feels driven to use his bat as a crude air guitar (though a few runs can sometimes be salvaged with a neat performance of 'Smoke on the Water').
Stumped
The batsman is confused as to which stroke to play, so deliriously leaves the ground of his own accord.
Caught
The batsman is caught performing some socially unacceptable act, and must leave the field in embarrassment. In view of this rule, New Zealand has passed a law making the use of the word "blimey" a strict social taboo, punishable by burning in some provinces. The rules in cricket are so strict that Ian Botham, legendary all-rounder, was caught on camera picking a bogey and swallowing it whole. He had to walk.
Timed out
Unreliable wireless Internet access in the centre of the field causes a timeout. The batsman must stomp off to the pavilion to find out who has placed his hat on the antenna.
Obstruction
A tragic medical condition fells the batsman mid-stroke. Typically the bowler will appeal for his wicket whilst the wicket keeper performs CPR.
Hit wicket
When a batsman is unceremoniously hit in his middle stump while trying to play a stroke causing him to fall to the ground in extreme pain, he is thus forced to walk, waddle or crawl off the ground.
Hit the ball twice
The bowler successfully catapults the ball at relativistic speeds towards the batsman, causing a temporal anomaly in the vicinity of the batsman in which he appears to hit it twice. Though in these circumstances 'hit' is a generous term.
English
The batsman may be given out for being of English origin. This is seen as a time saving exercise and may explain why a South African currently has the best average in the English team. Unless you're Inzy.
Debatable modes of dismissal
Occasionally, additional modes of dismissal are allowed.
Death
The Indian crowd gets angry at the batsman's performance. As usual in pakistan, the crowd throws the first object they can grab hold of (excluding their body parts). This has led to knives, paper clips, friends, various editions of Encyclopaedia Britannica, trains, stomachs, onions, people with an extra chromosome, space shuttles, office chairs, planets and/or other celestial bodies, lepers and even an elephant being thrown. However, the maximum damage has occurred when an eraser from Kolkata threw a can of Rosgullas and killed Inzamam-ul-Haq who was busy eating his bat. Shoaib Akhter is the culprit most of the times. He has banged the ball into the heads of Lara, Tendulkar, Ganguly and Kirsten! Kirsten died of bleeding on the field.
Cameroned
Tory leader and would-be future prime mine's-a-pint-er, David Cameron decides that he wants a go at batting and offers to switch jobs with you. After you lose the next election you are offered the job of Shadow Foppish Hair secretary in Boris Johnson's shadow cabinet. This mode of dismissal was actually named for former Test match umpire Cameron "Tourette's" Bowditch who was unable to control his outbursts. Originally you would be out Cameroned when your eardrums burst from the noise of these foul remarks.
Toffed
A batsman of lower class may be given out 'toffed' if there is sufficient condescending frostiness from watching MCC members. This frostiness may be expressed through symbolic gestures, such as sleeping, reaching one's 80th birthday, or gazing indifferently into the rim of a straw trilby. This traditional but controversial rule has only been exercised once, in a match between Eton Old Boys' XI and Slough Urchins XI at The Oval in 1922, when the entire Slough team was given out 'toffed', basically forfeiting their entire innings. Eton went on to win by 4 runs.
Modes of Dismissal
There are thirteen ways, exactly, to get out in the game of Cricket.
Batman
Even though it is your turn to bat you may not wear a Batman costume, especially the one from Episode III because it was totally crap.
Run out
A batsman may be in for such an abominably tedious length of time that he runs out of breath and therefore collapses. He is then required to walk after being resusitated.
Bowled
This occurs when a sadistic delivery from an ultra-fast bowler takes the hair off the batsman. Batsmen need to duck in this situation to avoid being out!!
All cricket umpires are required to be morbidly obese.
LBW
Although no cricket analyst has ever worked out what this stands for, the most frequent guess was that it "sounds like a band of some sort." Consequently LBW is the official term given for dismissing a batsman who feels driven to use his bat as a crude air guitar (though a few runs can sometimes be salvaged with a neat performance of 'Smoke on the Water').
Stumped
The batsman is confused as to which stroke to play, so deliriously leaves the ground of his own accord.
Caught
The batsman is caught performing some socially unacceptable act, and must leave the field in embarrassment. In view of this rule, New Zealand has passed a law making the use of the word "blimey" a strict social taboo, punishable by burning in some provinces. The rules in cricket are so strict that Ian Botham, legendary all-rounder, was caught on camera picking a bogey and swallowing it whole. He had to walk.
Timed out
Unreliable wireless Internet access in the centre of the field causes a timeout. The batsman must stomp off to the pavilion to find out who has placed his hat on the antenna.
Obstruction
A tragic medical condition fells the batsman mid-stroke. Typically the bowler will appeal for his wicket whilst the wicket keeper performs CPR.
Hit wicket
When a batsman is unceremoniously hit in his middle stump while trying to play a stroke causing him to fall to the ground in extreme pain, he is thus forced to walk, waddle or crawl off the ground.
Hit the ball twice
The bowler successfully catapults the ball at relativistic speeds towards the batsman, causing a temporal anomaly in the vicinity of the batsman in which he appears to hit it twice. Though in these circumstances 'hit' is a generous term.
English
The batsman may be given out for being of English origin. This is seen as a time saving exercise and may explain why a South African currently has the best average in the English team. Unless you're Inzy.
Debatable modes of dismissal
Occasionally, additional modes of dismissal are allowed.
Death
The Indian crowd gets angry at the batsman's performance. As usual in pakistan, the crowd throws the first object they can grab hold of (excluding their body parts). This has led to knives, paper clips, friends, various editions of Encyclopaedia Britannica, trains, stomachs, onions, people with an extra chromosome, space shuttles, office chairs, planets and/or other celestial bodies, lepers and even an elephant being thrown. However, the maximum damage has occurred when an eraser from Kolkata threw a can of Rosgullas and killed Inzamam-ul-Haq who was busy eating his bat. Shoaib Akhter is the culprit most of the times. He has banged the ball into the heads of Lara, Tendulkar, Ganguly and Kirsten! Kirsten died of bleeding on the field.
Cameroned
Tory leader and would-be future prime mine's-a-pint-er, David Cameron decides that he wants a go at batting and offers to switch jobs with you. After you lose the next election you are offered the job of Shadow Foppish Hair secretary in Boris Johnson's shadow cabinet. This mode of dismissal was actually named for former Test match umpire Cameron "Tourette's" Bowditch who was unable to control his outbursts. Originally you would be out Cameroned when your eardrums burst from the noise of these foul remarks.
Toffed
A batsman of lower class may be given out 'toffed' if there is sufficient condescending frostiness from watching MCC members. This frostiness may be expressed through symbolic gestures, such as sleeping, reaching one's 80th birthday, or gazing indifferently into the rim of a straw trilby. This traditional but controversial rule has only been exercised once, in a match between Eton Old Boys' XI and Slough Urchins XI at The Oval in 1922, when the entire Slough team was given out 'toffed', basically forfeiting their entire innings. Eton went on to win by 4 runs.